Week Four -- Post One: Cooperation and Reconciliation

• Cooperation
• working together towards a common goal, for mutual benefit
• Evolution of cooperation
• what happens when you don't cooperate as a social strategy? 
• they are called Machiavellians
• don't mind lying or cheating or stepping on others to gain in the social hierarchy
• report to feel less happy, w/ more stress
• This proves that there is a connection between cooperation as a social strategy and happiness
• Cooperation is connected biologically to happiness because it looks for activation in systems that represent pleasure and reward 
• our brains are attuned to liking cooperation and being met with cooperation from others
• Mutual cooperation brings greater reward and greater happiness
• Conflict and Peacemaking
• Conflict is part of daily life, especially between family members and in romance
• our primate relatives, instead of dispersing and hiding from conflict, peace-make
• When ppl see sign of apology or regret in others' face (red face, averted gaze), they are inclined to forgive them and punish less
• Peacemaking is built into our basic signaling behavior in human emotion
• Apology
• Apology signifies to the victimized party that offends are remorseful, empathizes with victims, and shows planning for a remedy to the solution
• one of the most effective forms of resolving interpersonal conflicts
• people who apologize have increased psychological health
• happiness is not all about feeling happy emotions; negative emotions come with it too
• 5 parts to an effective apology
• Should express remorse, shame or humility
• acknowledge the offense/accept responsibilty
• offer empathy/explanation
• undo harm: offer compensation/reparation
• reassure that theres a low likelihood of reaccurance
• Forgiveness
•  Reducing or eliminating resentment and motivations toward revenge
• The ability to make peace
• Can include the resolve to never let something happen again
• It does not mean one has to speak/relate to the betrayer
• Not sentimental or quick
• Defining it
• Acceptance that transgression happened
• Reduced urge to punish/seek vengeance
• Decline in avoidance
• Increase in compassion towards offender for their own suffering
• What forgiveness is not
• reconciling w person that harmed you
• condoning the offense
• absolving the offender of responsiblity
• Benefits
• Letting go of grudges is associated w lower stress levels
• Forgiving on one day is linked to greater happiness on the next
• Couples who forgive are happier nine weeks later
• 
  

  Eight Essentials When Forgiving

  
  

  
  

  Choosing to forgive is a way to release the distress that arises again and again from the memory of hurtful incidents—but forgiveness is often a long and difficult process. Robert Enright's eight essentials help break the process of forgiveness into manageable components. 

  
  

  The first step is to write down the names of people who have hurt you deeply enough to warrant the effort to forgive. If people come to mind, write down their initials in the spaces below.

  
  

  Person 1
  Person 2
  Person 3
  Person 4
  Person 5

  
  

  For each person you listed, rate on a scale of 1-10 how much pain you still have regarding how that person treated you, with 1 involving the least pain (but still significant enough to justify the time to forgive) and 10 involving the most pain.

  
  

  	1 - Least pain	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10 - Most pain
  Person 1
  Person 2
  Person 3
  Person 4
  Person 5

  
  

  Next, find the person who is rated lowest (least pain), and start there. Consider this person's offense (or one of their offenses), and ask yourself: How has this offense negatively impacted my life?

   

  Reflect on the psychological and physical harm it may have caused. Consider how your views of humanity and trust of others may have changed as a result of this offense. Recognize that what happened was not okay, and allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up.

  
  

  Use the space below to write about how the offense has impacted you.

  
  

  If you find this exercise to be very painful, it may help to consult a trained clinician to support you through this process.

  
  

  
  

  When you’re ready to make a decision to forgive, you can revisit Robert Enright's Eight Essentials When Forgiving, which describe the next steps in the forgiveness process.

  
  
• Trust
• the sense that other people will act on behalf of our interests
• more trusting cultures tend to be happier
• Touch is a gateway to trust
• ability to soothe and activate reward circuitry in the brain
• Language also helps cultivate trust
• Trustworthiness is the most desirable quality in a romantic partner
•  encompasses qualities like dependability and honesty
• there is a “betrayal metric” to measure the lack of trust in a relationship
• most trusting couples are attuned to their partners
•  Aware of their emotions
• Turning toward them
• Tolerating different views
• trying to Understand their partner
• Not being defensive
• feeling Empathy